Assignment 10: BOO - Alex Wyllie

The following is a transcription of a (fictional) presentation by a strongly accented British zombie apocalypse survivor (Think Tom Scott) in a conference in Toronto, the capital of the last country ‘World Free from Zombies’ in what used to be Canada. The presenter begins with slide showing the globe and cycles through various, quite famous photos of the arrival of the zombie apocalypse.

Presenter: “For centuries, man has sought to extend his life beyond the mere few years that we spend here on earth. We have long known that our current longevity is impressive when compared to other humanoids, but we have always sought the lifespan of the tortoise, and the speed of a cheetah. Only then might we live out our lives, accomplishing the things we dare to accomplish, and leaving behind only the unfinished work we wish to leave behind. It behooves us so, to seek out extended life for our entire civilization, to medically go where no living thing has gone before. It was in our quest for longevity that we created the apocalypse. It came not from god, nor ground, but from one of our own research laboratories, located here, near a slum in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil. The company was an American Fortune 500 company, AmazingPharmaLab inc., now defunct, that provided antibiotics and other pharmaceuticals. This lab specialized in drugs that allowed patients in hospitals to live longer and more comfortably. One researcher, we don’t know who, proposed a concoction of materials from the nearby rainforest that might lead to indefinite lifespan. The drug was created, and into animal testing it went. However, in testing, the drug did not quite perform as intended. Yes, it created indefinite lifespan, but with some small side effects, small side effects that weren’t actually that small. The records of what these side effects exactly were was destroyed, but we can guess because of what happens later. Anyway, the corporate higher-ups at AmazingPharmaLab inc. did not want their reputation sullied by the incredible failure of this drug, and decided to shut the whole project down. Reports were burned, the lab was closed, and over the next few weeks, all the lab researchers were conveniently, or as AmazingPharmaLab inc. put it, coincidentally, killed when riots broke out about the FIFA World Cup coming to Rio. All remaining forms of the drug were liquidized and, rather carelessly, washed down the drain. Now, as it happens, the people of the slum nearby had found out that the drain-water from this lab was good for you because it contained actually quite a lot of the drugs that expanded your lifespan and such, thrown in with the occasional accidentally created poison. So, a few of them happened to be getting their drinking water from the drain-pipe when the drug came down it, and, suffice to say, things didn’t turn out very well for them. Their skin turned green as their skin cells began photosynthesizing, allowing them to live without needing to eat, but not providing quite enough energy for their brains to properly function. This is why zombies are commonly seen holding their arms out in front of them - to maximize surface area exposed to sunlight - while having heads held at awkward angles, drooling and moaning random words, the most common of which just happened to be “brains”. The drug also induced extreme coagulating agents into their blood, which is why they continue to survive even after being essentially blown up by anything less than a shotgun. With severely limited brain functions due to lack of energy, these zombies reverted to the most basic pre-caveman cognitive functions - moving around and attacking and eating things. With extra energy from eating things, these zombies would make decisions that would drive them to do things one wouldn’t normally expect a zombie to do - rob banks and fly to visit family - for we all know that the airlines are all willing to let you skip security if you pay enough. What followed was an epidemic of radical zombieism, as the drug spread much like ebola - through contact with bodily fluids, like drool or blood, both of which became quite common with zombies. The first noted outbreak was in Africa, and was at first mistaken for a huge ebola epidemic. However, it became clear when pictures got out of people with green skin that the zombie apocalypse was indeed happening. Zombies, however, hated the cold, so they didn’t expand much in Russia, which nevertheless fell to pieces after World War 3 began over their invasion of Ukraine, nor did they expand much into Canada. In US, it was the worst, as gun-toting freaks tried to shoot their way out of the situation, which only made it worse because zombie blood carried the infectious drug. The civilized people of Canada, however, used the cold to their advantage, and began living in the coldest parts of the country when they could. Then, realizing food shortage would eventually occur, the Canadian army created a defense perimeter around Ontario and Quebec, utilizing terrain features to their advantage (as zombies couldn't swim or fly) so that their people could still farm. Today, we are here in Canada, the last nation, so comically renamed after Steven Harper’s defeat in 2015, and we celebrate our survival of the zombie apocalypse. But we must remember why it happened, and to never repeat our mistake of looking for the answer to infinite life. Because we have it, and it’s radical zombieism, our greatest national enemy.

Saturday, November 1, 2:12 pm