Assignment 20 How-To Be Asocial- Michael Dickson

How-To Be Asocial.

Being asocial is a very specific skill that I have been perfecting for several years now. So now I will attempt to pass on my years of training and practice unto you.

Step 1:  Try Not to Leave Your House
     This step is almost as important as the first as it prevents the opportunity for some dull mouth-breather to force you into unwanted social interaction. And, with ever advancing technologies, it has become easier and easier to not have to leave the comfort of your own home. There are apps and websites where you can hire people to go out and buy groceries for you, limiting the chance for social interaction to paying them once they arrive at your home. In addition robotic cars are soon to be a feasible form of transportation, one which you can call for and it will take you anywhere you need to go without all the hassle of talking to a questionable cabbie or buying and maintaining a car of your own. In order to truly be asocial one must remove oneself from social interaction, the most basic form being conversation. I have found in my experience that other people never have anything interesting to say anyway so it's not worth talking to them in the first place.

Step 2: Escape Tactics
     Unfortunately even experts such as myself get dragged into unavoidable social interactions from time-to-time, so one of the most important skills is how to get out of said unwanted situation. There are a multitude of tactics and strategies and I wish I could give them each as much time as they deserve, but, alas, I cannot. So instead I will discuss just a few that I have found to work incredibly well.
     The first being stealth. In this tactic one seeks for an opportunity to take advantage of their unwanted social assaulter's focus on their meaningless jabber to quickly and quietly slip away, thus escaping the clutches of social nicety. Although this tactic, while more polite, is not nearly 100% effective. One's social assailant might be more focused than most, or might look up at the wrong time, or any number of other uncontrollable events and start a barrage of questions intended to make one feel guilty when it was them, in fact, who initiated this form of verbal torture.
     There is only one tactic that has proven effective every time under every situation, lovingly entitled: Old Faithful. This tactic is based around the work of Dr. Patricia Tannis (a leading asocial) who has discovered that if one focuses enough stress to their nasal passages it is possible to burst a blood vessel in the nostril, splattering both the offending socialite and the asocial in a relatively small amount of blood. However this tactic requires much practice and should only be used as a last resort as expelling blood from one's nose creates a stain that is incredibly difficult to get off of one's clothing.

I certainly hope this guide has been helpful to those budding asocials out there. If you wish to contact me, then I believe you are reading the wrong instructional guide and should leave this blog immediately.